I feel compelled to write about this, the
shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut that took place on Friday
morning. Many people on Facebook are wondering why this has happened and why it
keeps on happening and people have been posting great thoughts and articles
written by people like Maya Angelou and Morgan Freeman. I have been interested
to read all such discussions and have developed my own thoughts and opinions as
well, which I want to share. I don’t know if I will be able to share in a
complete paragraph form… I feel like in some parts I may just list off
thoughts.
So obviously many people are pleaing for more
gun control. Others are saying that it’s not the issue of gun control but of
mental health. Could we not agree that both probably need attention? Someone
who would do this was obviously mentally sick, but will it be the end of the
world for people who like to use guns if guns are harder to come by? I think it
is a sacrifice people can make. I think both issues should be worked on, for
sure, but I wonder how more attention on mental health would go… and I know
that I don’t agree with some of the ways that it could go.
I enjoyed Morgan Freeman’s thoughts about the way that the media sensationalizes people when they do such things
but don’t like the line where he says, “You can help by donating to mental
health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem.” Because
what research really needs to be done? Nothing that would demand much money, I
don’t think. I feel like it is just a matter of executing what already works.
Okay, again, I don’t know how to organize these
thoughts but will share a little bit about myself. I was a very sensitive kid.
My family can tell you about this. I was pretty composed at school and sports.
I got along well with other kids, did well at school, etc. But at home where I
had less limits, I would get upset often. Things just set me off and I felt
unable to control myself. My family can attest to me doing things like beating
my head against the window in the car and telling my mom that she was making me
do it. My mom used to tell me often that I was too sensitive. I had strong
emotions and I didn’t always know how to control them.
Around middle school, I believe, I started
doing obsessive compulsive sorts of things and my mom would try to break me of
them. After learning to type, I typed everything said in conversations on my
hands, without a keyboard in sight. I would have issues about standing on the
same floor as the toilet when it flushed, the same floor as the microwave when
it beeped, and certain things like that. But again, my mom kept me in check so
it didn’t get too out of control and I eventually stopped. I could go on, but
my point is that if I hadn’t grown up in the environment that I did, or under
different circumstances, I’m sure I could’ve been diagnosed with something at
some point. Also, if my father didn’t give us the counseling and wisdom from
the wrong paths he took with drugs and alcohol, then I would’ve likely gone
down that path as well to alter my state of mind as I often found myself
burdened by my emotions.
Now, in college a lot changed. In a TED talk I
recently gave at Virginia Tech, I talk a bit about my Freshman year of college
and how I found a plan to read the Bible in a year, which I followed. During this time, I
searched my heart and laid it all before God, which if you are reading this and
don’t have a relationship with God and weren’t brought up that way or haven’t
been in a crowd that talks this way, then that may sound foreign to you, but
please don’t judge the foreign or different and just consider. I laid my heart
before God as it was broken because everything I had done to try to fill it
with the joy that only comes from him had failed me. He showed me that it had
guilt and self-hatred harbored in there. He showed me that neither of these
came from him. How did he show me? Through his word…through learning his
character in the Bible, and through prayerful revelations which again, if
someone has not done this then they may not understand, but don’t judge or
write off. One of the things I hated about myself was that I was so sensitive.
When God shone his light on this harbored self-hatred, he turned it right
around.
Before I formed you in the womb I
knew you,
before you were born I set you apart. (Jeremiah 1:5)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
I read about how I was made in God’s image. And
I read about how God was good and God was love. I realized that he had made me very
sensitive. He had made people other ways that also reflected his image but he
had made me sensitive… and I just didn’t know how to handle that because I
hadn’t asked him how. He was the manual and the maker. And he would show me
how.
Around this time is when I started dreaming
about what would become Project Esperanza and it
was all over from there. This organization has been my way to use my
sensitivity to serve God and to serve humanity.
Let me go back. When I was a Junior in high
school, a tragedy happened that completely floored me. This was two years after
the Columbine shootings, which I watched on TV as a Freshman in complete
confusion. I was sick that day and caught it on TV as it happened. This was
when I believe this craziness began?
Well, it was Easter break. I finished track
practice and as I was leaving, ran into a friend and his brother on a practice
soccer field. This friend and I went to school together up through high school
graduation and had the same group of friends. We were good friends. We kicked
the ball around together a bit and talked. His brother went off on his own. As
we kicked the ball around, he talked to me about his brother and expressed his
concern for him. He said that he often wonders what it will be like when his
brother is in prison because he knows he will end up there. He just does crazy
things, etc.
A week later, someone told me on instant
messenger that my friend’s brother had murdered someone. I didn’t believe it.
Our friends had just had a get together that evening and although I hadn’t
gone, I had heard that my friend was there. I called to confirm and they said
that he was, although he had left by the time I called. So this wasn’t true. He
wouldn’t go to a get together if his brother had just committed murder. I went
to track practice the next morning, as we were not yet back in school and
continued hearing the rumor but was determined that it was not true. When we
left, I passed by the soccer field to see if my friend’s brother was there.
When I saw that he was not, although my friend was, if I remember correctly, I
broke down. I accepted that the rumor was true. I went home and it was in the
newspapers. I just remember feeling uncontrollably upset and sick. I couldn’t
stop crying. I spoke to other friends who were surprised, but no one was crying
uncontrollably. What was wrong with me? I don’t want to go intotoo many
details, but it was a horrific murder where he just went into a neighbors house
and stabbed him and his wife, although his wife lived. They later diagnosed him
as schitzophrenic.
The week went by. My friend was at school,
normal as ever, trying to not let what his brother did, what he couldn’t
control, what he knew from before it happened that he couldn’t control..he was
trying to not let that affect his life too much, apparently. He wasn’t this
calm, cool, and collected forever, and we did see him deal with it later on,
but at this time, he was not dealing with it at all. I, on the otherhand, felt
like I couldn’t get through the week.
So I have some other stories I could share but
this was the most heartbreaking thing for me where I felt like I looked Satan
straight in the eyes. Among the other incidents I observed following this were
the shootings at Virginia Tech in 2007. I was tutoring in the stadium, maybe 200 meters from the
first building where there were shootings, and on the other side of campus
where most shootings took place. So I was not in the same building but was on
lock down on campus. I think that we have to realize that Satan is responsible
for this and we have to look at these things this way. We have to recognize
Satan’s existence and that he is the enemy. A friend used to have a quote on
his IM profile:
“The biggest trick Satan ever played was
convincing the world that he didn’t exist.”
I don’t know if he came up with it or who did
but I’ll let him contact me if he would like credit. J And the quote is true. I am married to a
Haitian man and have lived with Haitians in the Dominican Republic for about
five years now. Haitians view what Americans would call mental disorders very
differently. Many Haitians view them as demon possessions. In 2007 there was a
boy involved in our program who..well you can read about what he did in this post. A few volunteers took him to the doctors
where they said he had epilepsy, but the Haitian pastor and church we worked
with at the time to run a school said that we were wasting our money at the
hospital. He needed prayer. I helped out with him one night when he was having
a fit.. not a seizure, a fit. And we took him to the hospital to get a
tranquilizer shot which was supposed to knock him out.
We brought him back to the house and it seemed
to have no effect. He was biting sheets and trying to bite people. We held him
down and prayed and prayed and prayed. At one point he called the name of the
man next to me praying and told him that he had a demon walking around in his
head. When he said this, a gust of wind blew my face to the side and as I
looked to the side, the man whose name he had called looked back at me, his
face having been blown to the side as well. These afflictions were something
that this boy had gone through for as long as he could remember. After this
night, he has not had one. He went back to Haiti for awhile and returned to the
Dominican Republic, reporting to have never had that happen again. I spoke to
him a few months ago.
This is not the only time I have seen this
happen here. Something similar went on with a neighbor girl a few months ago. So
there is some free research for those who want to invest in mental health
research.
Many boys in the program we run would’ve likely
been diagnosed with a mental disorder, had we taken them to a psychiatrist.
Many would’ve been/would be diagnosed with ADHD, for sure. I have always felt
the utmost empathy for these boys when they have emotional fits and have taken
joy in showing them that I will not laugh at them or get annoyed at them but
will talk to them and deal with them the way that I wanted someone to talk to
me when I used to react in such ways. And I’ll admit that being around this has
been a little therapeutic for me, letting me know that I was not the only one
who felt this way at times! We have really only intervened with attempts to
provide the best discipline, example, prayer, counseling, and biblical
teaching, as possible, although it is, of couse, a work in progress. And here
there is an easier way to punish where you can sanction someone from the
housing and meals you provide and they go through a time of reflection and
punishment without being, say, put in jail. But sometimes this is tricky as
well because it does cause them to join up with other criminals and be further
negatively influenced.
Let me change gears for a minute. I believe it
was my Sophomore year of college. I was home for Christmas break and I was
upset. I needed to learn more about love. I prayed for God to send someone to
teach me, because I felt dark. Things were going on around me that I didn’t
understand. I remember a pastor and his wife and the warm way that they hugged
me and looked in my eyes whenever I went to their church. I called them up and
asked if we could meet. They told me a time to come by their house and gave me
directions.
Now, as I pulled into the driveway, an idea
popped strongly into my mind. “They are going to tell you that you are a
prophet.” Okay. It was just as I pulled into their driveway that I
thought/heard this. I didn’t have time to think about it but parked, got out,
and went to their door. But while reading the Bible, I had felt that I had a
lot in common with the prophets.
I also did a class that the church I attended
at Tech offered. It was called e4 and was seminary integrated into your college
life. They had us look closely at this verse:
So Christ himself gave the apostles,
the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip
his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up. (Ephesians
11, 12)
We talked a little about the qualities of these
five, typically, discovering which you are, and talked about how one can also
have qualities of all five, etc. We didn’t really have to figure out which one
we were, but the verse was introduced and discussed a little. So it’s a
different way to look at people and personality differences. God made each
person differently for a purpose and different roles work together to form his
body.
So, I sat down and talked to the pastor and his
wife. I tried to explain what was upsetting me and told them what I was looking
for. I cried as I told them different things going on. They saw how sensitive I
was. Not long into the conversation, they looked at each other and mentioned to
one another that I seemed like a prophet. They talked to me a bit about
different prophets and their qualities. By the end of the conversation they
were declaring to me that I was a prophet. I, of course, had not told them
about my strong thought in the car.
So I am not going to write that I am a prophet,
but will just say that I once sought counseling from a pastor and wife, had a
strong thought while going in that they would tell me that I am a prophet, and
then they did indeed tell me that I was a prophet. I will also admit that I often
have visions pertaining to next steps for Project Esperanza. As our
organization has moved to different rented houses, as well as our family, I
often envision the house and then search for it. This has happened three times
that I can think of and we have found what I had envisioned, without knowing it
was there beforehand. I also sometimes have felt so stronglt that I have to
write a letter to someone that I can’t eat or function properly until I write
it. After I write it, there is immediate relief.
Now please no one think that I am claiming
anything more than I should. I have learned to be very humble in things I say
because even if someone may have a prophetic gift, you are a part of a body and
your gift is not necessarily any more important than the apostle’s or
evangelist’s, and your mind is still a battlefield which can cause you to say
wrong things and appear crazy. I think developing our gifts is a life long
process. Again, if you are not used to studying the Bible in this way, etc.,
then this all sounds foreign to you. Please don’t judge, but consider.
So I have just given a few examples to make the
point that I grew up very burdened by an extra-sensitive nature which others, I
know, have as well, but when I found my purpose and calling from my maker, I
learned to use this extra-sensitive nature in a good and healthy way. Sort of
like X-Men! And I think this may be the case for many others.
I have a good friend from high school who went
through depression her Sophomore year of college. We spent lots of time
together over Christmas break that year and she was not in a good state. She
had, like me, tried to find joy in things other than God and found herself,
like me, heartbroken. She was also, like me, very sensitive. We had many
similarities, in fact, with the ways we had felt growing up, but of course,
were different as well. We prayed and prayed together. I shared with her a lot
of what I had learned through Bible study, etc.
At the end of our time together that break, she
was thinking a lot about the time that she had spent with me and others in the
Dominican Republic the summer before. She had felt very settled there and
relieved from some burdens she felt in the US and at school. We did some
researching together and she ended up spending the next semester in Costa Rica.
Well, after that, she was, like me, not often in the US, but always in Latin
America, and often doing service. We haven’t kept in touch as much as we
should, but I do believe that she, like me, found her calling and found a positive
use for her extra-sensitivity.
So here are my thoughts after witnessing this
ridiculous school shooting. I do not mean that the lives of anyone involved
were ridiculous in any way. What I mean by ridiculous is that the US has turned
into one big tower of Babel and I say all of this out of love. What is
ridiculous is that something or lots of things are obviously wrong because the
country tries so hard to protect itself and takes such great measures, but this
was an atrocity in what should be a completely safe and innocent place. This is
quite a wake up call, if the past incidents haven’t been enough. And I see that
lots of people are trying to define what exactly the cause is so that we can
work on a solution. Someone at a church I shared with in Winchester in
November, a few weeks after the TED talk, gave me a few wonderful new Children
picture Bibles in English and Haitian Creole! I have thoroughly enjoyed reading
them in both languages with kids here and the kids have enjoyed it to. Here is
a quote from the tower of Babel chapter:
“ Yes! they said. We’ll say, ´Look at us up
here!´ And everyone will look up at us. And we’ll look down on them. And then
we’ll know we are something. We’ll be like God. We’ll be famous and safe and
happy and everything will be all right.”
“But God wasn’t pleased with them. God could
see what they were doing. They were trying to live without him, but God knew
that wouldn’t make them happy or safe or anything. If they kept on like this,
they would only destroy themselves, and God loved them too much to let that
happen. So he stopped their plans.”
I will say “we” even though I don’t currently
live in the US. We think that we are God!!! We think that we can control
everything!! We think that money is security!! We think that jobs are security.
This incident seems to be a culmination of incidents that proves those thoughts
wrong. We think that we know what our hearts long for when we really don’t. We
think that we can judge criminals justfully, but how many innocent people have
DNA tests shown were convicted and punished harshly? But we feel better to have
convicted someone and hurt someone else and another family, nonetheless, rather
than feel as though we lack control when we don’t actually know, or leaving the
judgment in God´s hands. We are concerned a lot about global warning, something
that may have effects in the future, but not concerned enough in my opinion
about children who die often from very preventable things. In researching
causes of global warning, we can probably learn a lot about a lot, true, but
what about the simple things that affect and kill our fellow humans on this
earth right now.
The solutions are simple, it just takes some
investment. Not just money, we know that if we throw money at problems, it often
gets mismanaged and the problems continue. But it takes being present, careful,
and consistent, as any loving parent would. This is what I do. People who want
to save the lives of kids can invest in Project Esperanza. Here are 10 reviews from
people involved who attest to the value of the organization. Or you yourself
can go to another area and do what I do. Or you can find someone else who has
been proven trustworthy, who is doing what I do, like this girl and her organization, or this woman
and hers, and invest...if the death of children burdens you. I don’t mean to be
smart there as I know that what is so upsetting about this event is more than
the death of children but the violence, the place it occurred, the
unexpectedness, etc. But there is a point to be made that we should be equally
burdened about the lives and deaths of children around the world.
I actually think that a large part of this
craziness has to do with a lack of balance globally, and we know that balance
coincides with health. In this article, a mother
pleas for help for her 13-year-old son who is a gifted child, but has started
showing signs of violence and mental illness. Mothers here in the Dominican Republic plea for
help often because they don’t have the means to get proper shoes for their kids
to go to school. They can’t properly feed their children. They don’t often say
this but I observe that that they have no yard for their kids to play. I have
seen some recent Facebook posts about video games..the violent ones where you
have a gun and kill everything that moves. I know from high school and college
that they are extremely popular among young males. The mother in this article
mentions punishing her son from video games after he acted violently toward
her. What if all of the money spent by US parents on brain wasting video games
was responsibly transfered to the mothers who have trouble paying for the basic
needs of their children. This is much easier said than done, but we are smart,
developed people and we can figure it out with repeated effort. Would this, by
chance, help both mothers? And both families? I think it actually would.
Without video games and computers games, family relationships would be stronger
or just more existent and kids would do more natural outdoor activities...they
would be more alive. They would be healthier.
I actualy stood in line for several cold hours outside
of Toys R Us in 2005 when a new X-Box came out. I had planned on purchasing one
and then selling it on e-bay, as there was a limited supply. I would make a few
hundred bucks, I was sure. Well, I was the 9th in line and there
were 8 of them available, so I was not successful. But I did write a letter to
the editor of the Roanoke Times afterwards, sharing the comments I had heard
and the irony of it all as I realized that the woman in front of me, for
example, was purchasing this for her 6-year-old grandson who already had every
other system she saw on the wall, she let me know. I was trying to make a few
hundred bucks to support our efforts in the Dominican Republic, where the kids
lacked such basic necessities, and did not own even one system. Anyway, it was
not published in the newspaper and I have not been able to find a copy of the
letter I wrote. But I am just sharing this to say, I’ve been trying to channel
video game money to serve underpriviledged children for a long time!! J
Let me also say that if I were to talk to the
woman who wrote this article, I would say more than “use all of your video game
money to serve kids who need their basic needs met”. That was a broad point. I
would say to her – “Resist the devil and he will flee from you. (James 4:7)
Seek God. God is love. (1 John 4:8) There is no fear in love, but perfect love
drives out all fear. (1 John 4:18) I believe that God is the only one who can
truly help you with this situation. Seek him 100%. Don’t give up. Maybe Satan
is attacking your son because he is threatened by him, knowing a wealth of
potential he possesses to do God’s work and therefore foil his own plans of
death and destruction.”
Back to the issue of video games and one mother
losing while the other gains to create a healthier balance, I have always been
a lover of sheep, as my family raised sheep and I learned much from them. I
also love the fact that Jesus calls himself the Good Shepherd and refers to
people as his flock. (John 10) I observed on a few occasions when sheep got
into a bag of corn that was mistakenly put in a place where they could reach
it. My father used to give them a limited amount each day, especially in the
winter. But the bag was not to be left where they could reach it. Both times I
remember it being left in the wrong spot, we found a dying sheep the next day.
They are unable to stop themselves from eating and literally eat themselves to
death. The shepherd has to protect them from this. Jesus is the good shepherd
and we are the sheep. I pray that he protects us from the excessiveness that
actually harms us. And I pray that we seek wisdom that teaches us to think like
the shepherd, rather than sheep...who are really quite dumb.
Now I will list a few thoughts that I can’t
seem to weave in in paragraphs and I really want to post this and move on to
doing some other stuff.
1.
I
saw someone mention and think I have heard the idea in the past of giving
teachers guns??? Wow.. I definitely don’t think that is a good idea. A teacher
having a gun in her drawer with her stapler and stickers? This is why I used
the word ridiculous previously. Now guns would be accessible to students in
every classroom! I think that more parents maybe should consider homeschooling.
Or the whole institution of school should be a bit questioned. Is it a safe
place? I feel very protective over my kids and have always been aprehensive
about leaving them. I have only really done so when I feel I have built a
strong trust with the people and place that I am leaving them. Do we have too
much assumed trust in the public schools and the faculty? I do not mean to
blame the family of this young man who did this.. but... well did the mothers
of the students really know the teacher and the family? We trust the
institution because it is government run... why do we trust the government so
much? Why don’t we trust ourselves more? And why don’t we make more effort
ourselves rather than putting all of the responsibility on the government?
2. I said
this to a friend about two years back and she got really angry. So maybe you
will too. I’ve said it to a few other people who have agreed. I have noticed
large differences between the use of media here and in the United States. The
media doesn’t have such a large power and influence over people here. I have
always been disgusted by the destruction of lives of people growing up in the
media. I think one main reason why the influence and presence of the media is
stronger in the US is because of the size of the country. I think the country
is actually an unhealthy size. I wrote about this some in this post as well. I think that this also causes many
Americans to be irresponsible, ungrateful, and unhealthy. I think they are this
way because they simply don’t have enough responsibility over their lives and
society. Too much power lies in the hands of too few people. I think that a
solution would be the country dividing into several smaller countries. This
would allow for many more people to be leaders and would allow for much more
originality rather than uniformity. Unity is good, I agree, but uniformity, I
don’t think is always the right solution. It doesn’t respect natural and
healthy differences. Countries can have unity without being the same country. I
think it may be healthier that way. And I did hear that after the election,
many states signed a petition to secede from the Union. I don’t actually think
that would be a bad idea or should be viewed as a failure.
3. This will also likely make people made. And
I say it out of love. I love people to the point that I don’t care if they get
mad at me if I believe I am saying something that is good for them and us all
and I appreciate others who do the same with me when the time is right. I
believe that this surge of homosexuality that seems to be going on in the US is
another lack of balance. I believe that people who are living as homosexuals,
even those who are Christians and have tried to be obedient to what they have
learned in the Bible and abandon homosexuality but have been unsuccessful in
doing so, do feel a very strong lack of control over the issue. And I believe
that this is due, at least in part, to an unbalanced world in general. I think
homosexuality is outside of God’s will and unhealthy therefore in the long run,
whether or not we have good evidence of that shared often currently. I have
more so seen arguments that homosexuality is healthy and unharmful, etc. I have
not seen evidence that it is harmful posted on Facebook or anything like that.
And I am a bit disadvantaged in the argument since you see so little of it here
in the Dominican Republic. The way I have observed it here has been pretty much
always a pedophile male homosexual relationship, so that is most definitely
unhealthy. But as far as the norm in the US – long term, same sex, sometimes
married couples, I have little observation there because of my time away. Some
may say that this is a stretch to link homosexuality to a global unbalance and
call it unhealthy, but I think that the same people who would find it to be a
stretch are the same people who can’t understand how something that happens in
one part of the world or country affects something in another part, and they
don’t understand much God talk in general. This is because they are ignoring
the spiritual world and looking only at the physical. But I think anyone who
ever has dreams while they are sleeping or has an imagination has to realize
that the world is not just physical, and that there is a lot that we can’t
necessarily see...and it is a stretch to write too much off as we understand it
through brain activity, sensory activity, etc. That being the sole explanation
is us wanting to be in control, and we are not, actually, in control.
4. I think some or many people who face mental
illness such as the young men who commit these horrible murders are estranged
by a life that is actually meaningless and lacking challenges, and they likely
are also wallowing in self pity. I think more focus in schools and society in
general on international development and life or death challenges faced in
developing countries would give everyone more meaning and challenge. And it
would cause those who are wallowing in self-pity to get over themselves or to
be stronger in overcoming. I think open talk about the existence of God and
Satan would also teach people to blame Satan for certain afflictions rather
than their parents, society, or whoever they blame. Not that people and society
aren’t to blame as well, but I do think it is important to recognize the
mastermind and people and society should see that there are two competing
forces and use this as a base to judge which of these forces their actions are
in line with – knowing that the will of one is life and the will of the other
is death. Again, this is something that people who don’t believe in or pay
attention to God and the spiritual world in general will disagree with, but I
think it is very important.
5. I feel like there was one more thing I
wanted to say but I can’t remember. So I’ll just close with this. We better get
radical. Satan has been getting radical so those of us who are on God’s side better
get radical too. Sure, lots of discussion over God, didn’t mean to open up
another door there too. But let’s just put the discussion aside and seek him
together by serving those in most need in the world – not just our country -
and being grateful rather than viewing our excession as anything other than
what it is – lacking absolutely nothing and having too much. Here is a song I
like along the lines of being a radical and I didn’t mean to bring up Jesus
right after saying let’s leave the discussion about God aside, but this is my
blog and obviously I am a Christian and serve because Jesus served but just
meant, let’s not let our differences about God keep us from serving together.
Let’s just focus on a loving God first. So this is a song I like and I can’t
find the artist but may edit it later to give credit:
Two thousand years ago
The greatest radical
Walked the earth and said we are forgiven souls
Have we forgotten him
And made religion king
When love and grace is what we should be
offering
You know this is serious
We’re forgetting things we’ve done
You must be delirious
Thinking it’s new under the sun
Do ya wanna be a part of the solution?
So it is important that we recognize the
existance of Satan and define him as the ultimate enemy but it is also
important that we envision the kingdom of God...and collectively ask for his
will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. (Matthew 6:10) May your kingdom
come.
